[Before I fall asleep again...]
[2010-09-07] @ [11:56 p.m.]
I just wanted to make a few things clear.1) I am still single (for about 5 months now)
2) I didn't want there to be any confusion about M.V. and M.E., so let's just call them by their last names V and E. I haven't really talked to V in about 5 months. I don't want to get involved with him again. He's too controlling. E is a problem in itself. I don't know what is wrong with him, but there is something wrong. I can't stand his over-sarcasm.
3) My biggest question is why do I even want to talk to him? Why do I have this great desire to help him? Why has God brought him back into my life? I have learned things about him that I never knew before. But even if there is this huge desire in my heart to help him, he can not be helped. He doesn't want saving. Why am I wasting my time on him?
These thought brought me to a most interesting thought about myself: As I was thinking "what if" thoughts about the relationship I had with ex S, I always wondered how my life would be like if I did marry him. In the end I have no idea so then I let it go. But I know that if I did marry S I would not be in the place I am in my life right now. I think I am happier with my life now than what I think my life would be like.
But there is always that lingering doubt, that maybe it could have been much more than I have imagined. That's what S used to say. I used to believe everything he said, but not anymore. Why should I care since he is marrying someone else next month? Speaking of which, I think I am past all the weeping and sobbing about the relationship with S and me. But it does leave me in an awkward position since 2 of my exes are going to get married. So I say, enough with the drama. If the guy won't make the time, then why should I give him any of mine?
This was not really the point I wanted to make. The other point I found interesting about myself is that I want to help my future husband. I was created to help him succeed. I used to drive my ex around and buy him nice things. Sadly, that is programmed into my DNA. I'm a giver. It is my love language. I need to learn to stop showing this part of me so early, because then the guy will be dependent on me. I can't be that kind of person anymore, now that I am learning to get to know a guy long before thinking of jumping into a relationship with him.
Now I hope to build my own dreams and desires. And I hope my husband will have the same dreams and desires. That is the only way we can be one. I know I wouldn't be able to marry someone with another ministry because I would lose my dreams to help him achieve his. So I'd better do as much I can now so I won't have to "what if" later.
What a messy post. I just had to write these thoughts down...
~ silverluna