[Haunting relationships]
[2013-06-24] @ [5:18 p.m.]
I feel like I only come here to dump my feelings now.I was frustrated this weekend with L. I threw blame at him and I shouldn't have. And I know he is used to it but he doesn't deserve it, especially when it's not his fault. It happens, that I get content with what we have, only to find something that I get upset about.
But he is a good guy. He may not have gone up to the front for salvation yet, but he is searching for God.
But we are not at the same level. I don't think anyone is at the "same level". I think I'm more comfortable living my life as it is, and I could be preventing him from understanding more about God. I don't know.
I just wanted to quit everything this weekend. I just want to be alone. I don't want to be loved by anyone, but then I still do.
I will always feel like a child when it comes to relationship feelings. I've always wanted to have the greatest story, and so far it's turning downhill. I know it shouldn't matter, but I don't know how relationships should look like. I thought it would be that you date for at least a year, you were engaged then married. It didn't matter for how long after that. When you're engaged that's it.
But that last relationship still bothers me after all these years. It shouldn't bother me. He's married now with the kid he always wanted with me. That was the problem. He told me all his dreams, and seeing them fulfilled with out me kills me now.
It was a miss-communication. I know he tells himself that I cheated on him, so that he wouldn't feel bad about what he did. He did not come visit me when I needed him the most, so why would I want to wait for him when he didn't come. I feel like I can't trust anyone anymore. That was 5 years ago.
He doesn't even know. I hate that he won't talk to me either. I never got closure. Please God erase him from my life forever. He is ruining me.
Sidenote: I'm trying to catch up on old readings but everyone keeps locking their diaries. Maybe I should do that. But no one knows and no one will find out, so why bother?
~ silverluna