[A new chapter is about to start...]
[2010-09-27] @ [11:45 p.m.]
So many more of my friends are engaged to be married. He's getting married October 9th. I know I wrote about this, but it keeps coming up. I'm not saying it to throw a pity party, I promise. I'm tired of being that way.I feel different about marriage. I know I could have been married a long time ago, and God would have been working in our lives and using us. But my life is not what I thought it was going to be. And I know God is still working. I don't want to rush anything, especially the decision to get married.
I always tell God that the desire of my heart is to do what He wants me to do. I don't know how I got to this point in my life, but I know God is changing me. I told Shawn once that I feel like the past three years have been a dream, like it never happened. It's the truth. That could have been the life for me but it's not. So why should I hold on any longer, especially when he's already moved on?
It also showed me that I had so much more growing up to do. I was not ready to get married. Who's to say that I'm ready now? I'm not. I want to love the man I marry with as much love as God's love. I want to be patient and learn to understand his point of view. I don't want to put him down or belittle him. I want to be there for him, and I want him to be there for me. I want a man that can completely break me out of the walls I built around me.
I can't explain this feeling. I am not sad. I am not angry. I'm at peace knowing that God has it under control. I'm not in complete joy. The thought of the years to come keep me hoping. I don't know what is coming up next, but with God everything is good.
So I keep waiting for that day. One of those special days.
~ silverluna