Music: Vienna - The Fray

I'm not doing so well. Everyday is a struggle inside. Every night is a conflict in my mind. I've realized the only way to control some of the feelings I am going through is to write them down.

This morning, I woke up at 8am. I checked my email. I've been waiting for a response from him. I don't know why I keep waiting. I haven't received anything yet. This is day 2 of him not respnding (again). I'd rather wait for something from him than to send him thousands of emails asking him this and that.

I guess it's better for the both of us not to talk now. He's got his own problems.

So I was writing my feelings out on paper at 9am. I tried to form it into a poem, but it eventually came out as a 4-page mess of words. But I want to write about what I wrote at the end, because I've writen about it before.

I've actually been wanting to make my diary private, knowing that he knows about this. But like I told him, I want to be open about my feelings. And if I lock this diary, I'll feel like I've locked myself in a box.

I don't regret anything I've written in here, even though there's a lot of things about him in it. I just hope I can read the many years of happiness and pain and learn something from my past...

I've tried to let everything out.
I've tried talking to you.
But you're not listening anymore.
So I pray this pencil and this notebook
will help me remove this anger, this jealousy.

I'm glad I haven't found love yet
Because I know I would get caught up in the moment
and when the moment is gone
I'd be in the same position.
All I know is that I do not want to be the same person I was.
I don't want to be selfish,
thinking about myself and how I feel.
I will pay more attention to my partner,
I will not get caught up in my emotions,
because they are the ones that can control me.
I will trust the other fully, no matter what is going on.
I don't ever want to fell jealousy again.
And I know there will be other girls in your life.
But when you say you love me,
I will believe and trust you,
Let God take care of the justice.

I want to be happy again, but I know the only way I can achieve that is to be happy with myself, by myself. Let me be patient to find true love, the love I Corinthians 13 talks about...

I Corinthains 13:4-8
Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.
Love doesn't strut,
Doesn't have a swelled head,
Doesn't force itself on others,
Isn't always "me first,"
Doesn't fly off the handle,
Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn't revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.
Love never dies.

I am: Sara, 27 years old, musician, amateur writer, worshipper, follower of God.
loves: God, music, family, photography, travel, road trips.
desires: to be happy, to make someone happy, to travel the world, to be a worship leader, to see the face of God
dreams: to be a worship leader.